most of them are used for sex, and alot of them high unrealistic shallow expectation in thier partners to.
Here’s a mirror of the old, old OKCupid blogpost against paid dating apps, some dynamic bits didn’t get properly archived but the info is still there, giving a very strong argument that paid dating apps are by definition bad to find a partner. Then they got bought and the blogpost was deleted literally the next day.
And this is long, LONG before everything started enshittifying, and dating apps went all in on this. By now the odds are very much against you if you wanna find someone on those apps.
Honestly my biggest problem is:
- I don’t drink
- I don’t go to church / I’m not religious
- I work from home
- Video games and hiking are my two major “for fun” time expenditures
- I’ve seen too many women complain about dudes approaching them
- I hung out in a local coffee shop and met a couple of people, but no women (half the time if there were any there they seemed either much younger or much older … the other half of the time they’d show up and never come back so a cold approach was the only option)
… what the hell am I supposed to do other than use these apps society?
Hell even if you go to church, I’ve had a real bad time crushing on people from church. Can’t recommend it
One guy advises “collect micromarriages”, which are like micromorts but for relationships instead of death https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/theres-a-time-for-everyone
I don’t know shit about relationships
Join a hiking group/club, and don’t do it with the express intent of dating. I’m not saying don’t hope, but don’t because you enjoy the activity
If you like hiking, you might also enjoy indoor rock climbing. It’s more social and fun than a gym and you will have the opportunity to interact with a lot of the same people repeatedly. You might even have some beginners groups in you area to get started. Meetup.com is good for finding groups like that.
Good luck out there!
I actually did try rock climbing, my ex and I did it.
I proposed going to first time we dated, she got into it while we were split, I would go a few times a month with her, and then basically haven’t been in a few months since we split.
The climbing gym in my area is on the other side of town and just constantly PACKED and I was also never very good at it … plus I’m colorblind and the routes are color coded which makes it even trickier … so it’s not really my cup of tea.
But yeah, I’ve done it probably 15 times or so and have my own shoes.
I’ll probably give it another shot (this time with friends) once it gets cold again (I’m in NE Ohio).
Meet people online via shared interests. I’m not one to tout Reddit, but really engaging in niche communities there gives you wide exposure specifically targeted. Don’t expect immediate results, but it is a valid method.
Nope, then you get people complaining that “this is not a dating spot”.
I mean, tell that to my ex-fiancee where it took us a year to get engaged after meeting on Reddit. Then Covid hit and we couldn’t meet. We still talk, years later, but now we’re in “old friends” mode.
Yeah … I appreciate the effort but I don’t think that’s a real answer.
I don’t want to date half way across the country or world … or slide into other people’s DMs (which is something girls ALSO complain about dudes doing).
At that point if the answer is “someone’s going to be possibly uncomfortable anyways” I’m better off just doing the cold approach where I can at least read body language.
Not to mention there are a ton of elements of attraction that just don’t work on a forum.
But hourslong calls with a Scottish lass? Would you turn down the opportunity to have that in your ear?
I can’t speak to women’s experiences, but as a man, it was pretty clear that these apps were dogshit designed to steal information while keeping you engaged with bots so they can further steal from you, including financially. Much like Facebook, I was an early rejector of dating apps, and I’ve been proven correct on both fronts. From what I can tell, the tech has only gotten better at taking advantage of lonely/stupid men. While dating isn’t really a concern for me anymore, when I was actively dating, it was never difficult to meet women. It just requires a willingness to be open and accept rejection. Also, be willing to cut off interaction for relationships that aren’t healthy. It’s better to be alone than in a shitty relationship.
it was pretty clear that these apps were dogshit designed to steal information while keeping you engaged with bots
They haven’t always been, though. I remember the good old times of okcupid - they had a system of interests you could enter and then they linked those interests to all of the users in their database. It was so effective to find people listening to the same music, playing the same games…
They removed the whole thing after they got bought out, removing one of the biggest features that made the platform unique. It explains why there are still a lot of people around recommending platforms like Tinder and okcupid, they remember their positive experiences and maybe even found a partner. But those times are long over.
The worst enshittification is making male people pay for replying to messages. That is just vile.
That’s fair. I may generally be a bit over suspicious at times, but the apps definitely struck me as off very early on. As to charging men, while it does suck, I get it. It similar to “ladies’ night” at clubs (do they still do that?). It isn’t hard to get men in the door, but it is significantly harder to get women to attend, oftentimes due to some of the behaviors exhibited by the men. With the gender differences on app usage, it would likely drive that disparity even higher if they charged women.
I know of several couples that have got married and met on bumble. Surely the exception to the rule, agree that Tinder is a complete spyware app.
Bubble wasn’t around when I last engaged with dating apps, though I wouldn’t give any app the benefit of the doubt, including in any conceivable future. While there are exceptions to the rule, as you mentioned, I’d say most people will be better off without dating apps, with or without a partner.
I have been on and off dating apps for over 10 years. I witnessed what they did to them.
Enshittification to the maximum. Sites literally REMOVED useful functions and put others behind paywalls. You used to be able to set tags of interests and search by tags as well to find people into the same things as you, but that stops you from swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe… Swipe swipe is time spent on the app which increases the chance you start feeling desperate and pay them for the increased functionality of… Seeing who likes you… Other sites used to let you actually browse who was near you, not swipe, but have a list of people to look through. That’s not swipe swipe swipe pulling the dopamine lever so gotta give it the axe.
I mostly blame Match Group. Any dating site that actually worked well was bought by them and stripped down to be tinder 2.0 clones.
The more difficult it is to use the more likely they are to get you feeling desperate which is how they get you to pay up. No thanks.
okcupid was amazing back then, I wrote with so many interesting people and had unique and lengthy conversations. Another platform fucked up by capitalism and greed.
It’s definitely fuck the Match Group all day every day.
Is it because they’re enshittified af?
OkCupid.com (founded 2004) asked users a wide range of multiple-choice questions. It then went further by also asking them to specify the responses to those same questions they wanted to see from prospective partners.
I met both my ex-wives on OkCupid … in 2004. Of course, I had no idea I met my second wife before getting serious with the first.
I put scores of hours in answering match questions, and the whole experience was, dare I say, fun. Longform profiles with candid photos and the ability to see how answers differed so you could get the dealbreakers out of the way before wasting any time messaging.
Oh, and it was completely free.
I tried a few apps after getting separated in 2016, but the experience was truly a nightmare. I’m not a terrible-looking guy, but my looks are not what has ever drawn anyone to me, it’s how I comport myself. This is completely useless on these apps. It felt like high school popularity contests, which I was happy enough to escape the first time, except that to participate in any meaningful way, you have to pay.
I did find one use for them, and that was getting drunk with my girlfriend (who I met at work) and mocking profiles.
OkCupid.com (founded 2004) asked users a wide range of multiple-choice questions. It then went further by also asking them to specify the responses to those same questions they wanted to see from prospective partners
Yet another example of a feature dumbed down for seemingly no reason… In another comment I mentioned removing features, and this one mentioned here used to have a section for you to elaborate on your response… They removed it just a few years ago for god knows what reason, making that questions section worse…
“Do pets have souls: yes/no”
…well normally I’d say “no” and then elaborate with “because I don’t believe in souls, I don’t think anyone has a soul. We have personalities and I believe animals have them too.”
Now I just look like some heartless psycho “no, animals don’t have souls.”
They also took away the ability to specify your answer separately from the answer you were looking for from others, so now it’s just “did you say the same thing.” Which doesn’t make any sense for some questions, like “do you prefer a partner that is a) taller than you, b) shorter than you, c) doesn’t matter”, if you both picked A or B, you aren’t a match for this question!
The quality of questions fell off a cliff well before Match Group came in and really enshittified the whole affair. I soured on continuing to answer questions once the new ones were almost exclusively false dichotomies.
I don’t agree with ai being useful in narrowing down matches, but I will admit putting access to matches and dms behind a pay wall is beyond bullshit
Humanity did fine for thousands of years without these dumb apps … I think we’d be fine without them
I mean we also did fine without electricity and antibiotics…
Depends on you definition of fine, I guess.
Is it bc I’ve been married for fifteen years?
